


Under The Water

by Selly_Blackbird



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Boys Kissing, Caring Harry, Dumbledore is alive but why, First Kiss, First Time, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Homophobia, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Out of Character, Panic Attacks, Post-War, Self-Hatred, Severus favourite color is the blue, Severus has a special ability, Snow Storm, Winter, chocolate biscuits connect people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-08-26 02:52:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16673344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selly_Blackbird/pseuds/Selly_Blackbird
Summary: The lake was dark, cold, quiet, and it made him calm down,The castle was bright, noisy, crowded, and it made him panic,The panics took away his strength, made him weak and almost choked him,And the middle of this chaos there was He, and his warm and soft body.





	1. The Lake

Old oak tree doors are usually made a strident sound when you open them, but still, Severus managed to learn over the years how to open the main entrance of the castle without a single crack. He didn't want to make a noise. He had enough of it.

The air was fresh and clear. There weren't any stars on the night sky, but somehow he didn't mind it at all. The stone stairs were cold for his bare feet, but it also helped him to be soundless. At the bottom of the stairs, he took a big step just to make sure he landed in the grass. It was a bit wet, but it was also smooth. Severus felt the blade of grasses between his toes. He slowly looked around; the ground was empty. Good. At the corner of his eyes, he caught the light that was coming from the Great Hall; it made him shiver. Turning his back to the lights, with steady, long steps he began to move toward to the Black Lake.

He left his robes in the castle because he didn't need it. Robes could be caught in rocks and weeds, and they could rustle, and crunch. He was only wearing a trouser and his black coat with the many buttons. No shoes. Shoes also can make sounds.

After a ten minutes' walk, he reached his destination. Severus began to unbutton his buttons one by one at a slow pace, then took off his cape and trouser. Under his cape, he was wearing a long-sleeved grey shirt, to hide his Dark Mark.

From the pocket of his trousers, he took off a necklace. On a black ribbon, there was a round black pendant. He tapped his wand to the pendant, and several bubbles appeared in front of a blue background. Severus put the necklace on him and stepped into the lake. Under the water, several large rocks helped him to go further into the lake. He was walking carefully not making unnecessary splashing as if he was one of the waves. When he reached the last rock, he turned back to the castle. From such distance, the lights of the castle looked like tiny stars. Severus took a deep breath, and with a straight back, he let his body fell into the water.

It was cold.

The water of the Great Lake was always cold; no matter how was the weather. It was unpleasant, but just for a few moments, then the stinging feeling faded away, and the water embraced him like a soft blanket.

It was dark.

The lights of the stars and the moon couldn't shine deep down in the water, and after a few feet, the water looked like a silky mass.

It was quiet. So, so quiet and calm. Severus let his muscle relax, allowed the water to create his posture as he was sinking deeper down in the lake.

Severus has this unique ability to hold back his breath for five minutes. His record is five minutes and twenty-nine seconds. Finding out his ability was an accident what probably saved his life when he was only six years old. He was running away from his drunk father, desperately wanted to find a place where he could hide and calm down. But there was nowhere to hide; his father could destroy every box, and flipped over every furniture just to find him. In his desperation, he jumped into the neighbour's big plastic barrel where he was collecting the rain for watering the garden. In the water, Severus held his breath, closed his eyes, went down the bottom of the barrel and waited. He could hear his father's scream and rampage, but somehow he felt safe in the water. He felt his crazy heart beating began to slow down. Then his father gave up, went back to the house to drink more. Suddenly everything became quiet, and Severus found his peace.

He knew others would find this weird, bizarre and would be laughed at for Severus imagines himself as a merman. But Severus never had such fool thoughts like that. Maybe just once, after the first time, but he learnt some people could hold their breath longer than others. Just like some people are good at art and others at music.

Since that day, water was the only thing that kept Severus sane. Before he came to the school, he sank down in a bath to calm his mind, but it was far from perfect. Metal bath could make all the noises louder, and it just made him more frustrated. He tried to sneak back to the neighbour's barrel, but the water was already used.

In one of his mother's books, he had found that the Slytherin common room was under the water, with large windows what shows the underwater life. He was so eager to be in Slytherin to see what's happening under the water. But he was disappointed after he had arrived. The common room was too loud, bright and crowded. The water was always dark, only sometimes when the weather was clear and the sun was shining some of the light came down, but even those time he had never seen any animals swimming there. Occasionally, at night he sat in the common room with only a candle and waited. Waited for just see something. A little fish, a turtle, anything would have been nice, but water-creatures had already learnt not to come near the castle because it's noisy.

The first time he had ever gone into the Lake was after a terrible day. There was a party in the castle. Loud music, louder laughing, glasses were clinking. He was insulted, humiliated for the fact that he can't dance. People were pushing and pulling him, shouting and laughing at him. It was too much, almost unbearable. He couldn't breathe properly; he felt his tie was choking him. He pulled out his wand, lashed out his magic and run away as fast as he could. "I want quiet! Be quiet! Shut up! Just shut up!" he was chanting. But even his own steps were echoing too loudly at the corridors, so he took off his shoes and with barefoot he ran out of to the January cold night. He didn't stop until he reached the Black Lake and fully dressed he threw himself into the water.

First, it was unbearable too. The water was ice cold, made his blood froze for a second and his skin was sensitive, but it faded away, and it was like floating in softness. His mind came down just like his heart beating, and he knew he could have five minutes of this peacefulness. Just before he ran out of the oxygen, he felt a fish swam next to him creating a little wave in the water, and Severus knew he found his perfect place.

He had learnt how to move without making a sound, how to open doors noiselessly, and he had learnt how to be in the water without bothering the wildlife.

But sometimes he needed more time than just five minutes. That's why he created his necklace. Every four minutes a bubble came out of the pendant forming an oxygen mask around Severus' head to let him breathe in again. Then he has another four minutes when he holds back his breath and the process starting again. It could give him the opportunity to stay under the water at least two hours, but he was never that upset before to use all the bubbles. Usually, half an hour was enough or maximum one hour when the situation was serious. Just like today. He knew he would stay under the water for one hour.

The squid moved one of his legs, creating waves and the flow was gently rocking Severus' body. He didn't fight against it. A little fish swam to his leg and pressed its mouth to his skin. It was ticklish, but it didn't disturb him. He had learnt if he were motionless the animals would accept him and he could become one of them.

It was perfect. Severus just let everything out; all his nervousness, anxiety, his demons, fears, and poisonous thoughts. He felt how every flows and animal carried away these things as they swam around him. His heart beat slowly but steadily. Severus' mind became quiet, and bit by bit he was becoming himself again.

He was alone. Darkness was his only company in the water and now in his mind again. That's why he didn't recognise when strong fingers wrapped around his wrist and began to move him up to the surface. Severus thought it was just a bigger flow what pushed him, but everything was becoming brighter, then he noticed that somebody was holding him and pulling away from his little, perfect peace. Panic raised in his chest, he opened his mouth to scream, completely forgetting that he is under the water. His lungs immediately filled with cold water. It was bitter. He felt dizzy. One flash and the speed was faster. The next moment he landed on the ground and coughing out water.

The air was warm. Well, it wasn't exactly warm, because no October air could be hot, but it was warmer than the water, and it burned Severus' skin, just like the water burned his lungs and throat. Water drops were running down on his body, pieces of the very same material what was gently embracing a few moments ago and calming him, now their every little movement frustration him. And it was noisy again because somebody near him was coughing and panting with whistle-like sound. Whoever was it, Severus knew he would kill them.

He coughed out the remained water of his lungs and looked up exactly the moment when the person next to him sat down on his ass. School uniform, but only a white shirt and black trousers, no tie. Vivid green eyes, but no glasses. Wet, black, locks of hair pointing to the sky, and there's a red bolt-shaped scar on his forehead. Harry Potter. The only person who cannot kill.

'Have you lost your goddamn mind, Potter? You almost killed me!' Severus snapped.

'What?'

'I almost drowned!'

'Drowned? You were already motionlessly floating under the water! I saved you! You should at least thank me!'

'Idiot!'

Severus pulled out his wand and began to dry himself. The water drops were still running everywhere on his body, and they felt like unwanted touches. He also cast a warming charm, because the feeling that the air was hot was gone and the cold October wind made him shiver. Usually, he didn't mind the cold, but at this proper moment, he hated it. He hated the warm too, what the charm caused.

He looked at Potter again. The boy was still sitting in the same position. Mouth opened, lips shaking, teeth chattering. Potter had a confused look on his face as he watched Severus. Then a cold wind started to blow from the forest make both of them shiver. Severus shook his head, that brat didn't even take off his shoes before jumped into the water. How reckless! He pointed his wand at the full soaked shoes and began to dry them.

'You weren't trying to kill yourself,' said Potter. It was a half question, half statement.

Severus shook his head again, 'Potter, if I wanted to commit suicide I would drink a poison,' he said, and he began to dry Potter's clothes too. When Severus pointed his wand at Potter's chest he saw, the boy was more confused than before.

'But ... But if you didn't want to kill yourself, what were you doing under the water?'

 _"Oh here we are again,"_ thought Severus. The big question of why. Potter clothes were almost dry, and his shivering was minimal. Luckily his teeth weren't chattering anymore, and the area was getting quieter again. Severus felt his peace was also coming back.

'Not that would be any of your business, but I was trying to find a little peace, but it looks I cannot have any, not even the bottom of the Black Lake,' answered Severus. He wanted to sound offended, but he didn't have the strength to be his usual self.

'Peace? Is this why you left the Great Hall?'

Severus pretended he didn't hear the question. He continued drying Potter's clothes and avoid his gaze.

'You will be sick. Go back to the castle,' said Severus after he finished the drying. He turned back to the Lake, pulled up his legs and hugged them. He knew, he probably looked like a resentful teenager, but he didn't care.

'Answer me,' said Potter. His voice wasn't demanding; it almost sounded like begging. 'Please,' he added, whispered.

'Yes,' sighed Severus, 'Sometimes the Great Hall becomes too bright, too loud and crowded. Even the slightest noise seems like a sound of a cannon, and two people can make me feel, I'm trapped. Those times I have the urge to escape and find a quiet, dark place to make my mind rest.'

He was expecting more questions. Meaningless questions that usually start with why and how long, but Potter stood up without saying a word and began to walk back to the castle. Severus looked after him. It was dark outside, but he could see Potter was still shivering. He lifted up his wand and hit the boy's back with a warming charm; he heard a soft sigh when he was on his way again. Potter's steps dead away after a while, and it was quiet again. He didn't feel like to go back to the water. The feeling of being ripped out of his peacefulness was still vivid in his mind, and he was afraid this time he would surely drown. He didn't want to ruin the feel what the water could give him, so he lay down in the grass.

Clouds were lazily moving on the sky sometimes showing the stars, but the next minute they hide them again. They were only visible for a moment to admire them, so their brightness wasn't too much for Severus. The wildlife in the water was creating little waves, make it gently splash on the rocks. It wasn't disturbing; sounded like a nice melody.

Severus didn't move at all. One of his hand was resting on his chest, and sometimes he cast a warming charm on himself. He closed his eyes and listened. For any other people, it was complete silence, but Severus heard more than anyone. The giant squid moved, the water is splashing. On his right side, a cicada hopped on a blade of grass and then jumped away. On the nearest tree, a bird snuggled deep into its branch nest making rustling noises. Something, what had four legs, was moving in his direction with soft steps. Severus opened his eyes; it was a fox. It was sniffing the ground, looking for something to eat, and getting closer to Severus. The fox sniffed his hand, pushed its little, wet nose to Severus' fingers. It sniffed him again, and not finding Severus interesting the fox left him alone and continued searching.

Severus wanted quiet, and if anybody could have heard what Severus was hearing, they would think it was anything but quiet. But these noises weren't unpleasant. These animals were almost noiseless; they wanted to hide, they wanted to be invisible. This was something what Severus also wanted. The fact that these animals were living their ordinary life around him, moving freely without fear and Severus' presence didn't bother them made Severus felt he's welcome here, and it was something that he usually didn't feel.

The fox stopped moving; it sat down next to Severus' hand and watched the lake with wide-eyes. Severus could feel the heat what was coming from the animal's body. It was nice. He was alone but wasn't completely alone. The fox was sitting straight back, like a guardian. Severus closed his eyes again and enjoyed the wildlife around him.

As the dawn made the grass crispy and covered them with a tiny layer of ice, he sat up. The fox was gone, just like the darkness. At the east, over the horizon, the dark began to turn pink, orange, purple. He silently sneaked back to his chamber before the residents of the castle would wake up.

~*~

Days went by pretty much the same. Severus woke up at the same time, taught the students, tried not to fell apart, graded papers, ate his dinner, tried not to fell apart and went to sleep. He was expecting that Potter would act weirdly, but the brat more or less ignored Severus and it was completely fine. As much as Severus could, he was also ignoring Potter, or generally everybody else, but it didn't escape his attention that Potter had changed. Not to radically, but he was quiet during the Potions classes, he stepped aside when Severus was hurrying on the corridors, and one time he opened the door for Severus when he had the urge to leave the room immediately. Of course, Severus convinced himself these things were accidental, and Potter didn't understand him. How could he? No one could understand this.

He had two seizures since then. At the first time he went into the lake again, he was a bit jumpy because the memory of drowning was still vivid, but Potter didn't come that time, and Severus was able to relax. The second times was utterly fine. Well, as much as you can call 'preventing a panic attack' fine.

For Severus, winter was the best and worst season at the same time. He liked it because of the cold and quiet. At winter nature, the animals went to sleep, and the Forest was peaceful. He took long walks around on the castle yard. The sound of the snow crunching under his boots didn't bother him too much. It made him feel he was exploring unknown lands, where everything was harmonious.

But it was also the most terrible period of the year. The memory of Halloween was torture itself, but with the decoration, the fest and students who can't behave was a nightmare. And that was just the beginning because Christmas followed it. More lights, colourful decoration, loud people, never-ending Christmas songs. He was spending more time outside, walking around on the castle's yard. If he knew hadn't had enough time to go into the water, he just stood the edge of the Lake, and he watched the waves of the water.

~*~

One day when Severus felt his mind would explode from the noises he went out to the Lake. He was looking for some peace, and it was a relief to know students never go this part of the Lake because it was too far from the castle. That's why Severus was surprised to find Potter at the very edge of the Lake. He was sitting on the ground and watched the wave like he wanted to read the future from it.

Normally he would turn around and walk away, but the way how Potter was sitting on the ground with curve back and empty look, made Severus stay. He silently walked near Potter and sat down. He turned his gaze to the boy, waiting for him to look at him but Potter didn't even blink. He studied Potter's face; it was red and swollen, just like if somebody slapped him.

'Did somebody hit you?' asked Severus quietly.

'What is it like down there?' Potter asked.

'Cold. Dark. Calm.'

'How does it feel like to be there?' he asked again.

Severus turned his gaze back to the lake. How does it feel? Like Heaven.

'Peaceful. First, the water is cold, and you feel like hundred tiny needles are sticking you, but when your skin gets used to the coldness the water feels like silk bed sheets. You feel your heartbeat gets slacken with every second and even the blood is running slower in your veins. You hear everything and nothing at the same. If you can stay still long enough, nature will accept you, and you can feel how creatures are moving around you, creating little flows as they swim by. You see nothing but you didn't have to because this kind of darkness can make you feel safe, and you sometimes can't find that feeling even in your own home.'

'It sounds like a perfect place,' sighed Potter and put his finger in the water.

Severus watched Potter for a moment then he stood up. Maybe he was losing his mind, or maybe the way how Potter watched the water desperately made him do it, but Severus began to remove his clothes. First his shoes, then the robe and at least the buttoned-coat, in the end, he was only wearing a black boxer and a grey t-shirt. Severus stepped into the cold water, walked a little further then turned back. Potter jerked up his head the moment when Severus' foot touched the water. He watched Severus with wide eyes and open mouth. Severus held out his hand toward to him and rose up his eyebrow. It was an unspoken offer, _"If you want I can show you."_

Potter took off his clothes too and grimaced as he also stepped into the cold water.

'Follow my steps,' said Severus and took Potter's hand. He led Potter to the rock from where he usually fell into the peacefulness. Severus cast a bubble charm around their head then turned to the castle. Potter was standing next to him in complete silence. He was holding his hand, he was shaking a bit, but was also watching the castle. Then Severs turned his head, Potter nodded, and they fell into the ice-cold water.

Severus felt that Potter squeezed his hand. He knew Potter was in the first shock of the cold water, but after a moment his grip loosened. The bubble charm made Severus uncomfortable, he missed how the water moved between his hair, but he knew can't relax fully. He was responsible for Potter now. Severus turned his head to tell Potter what to do to make this experience the most calming, but it was unnecessary. Potter had already known it: eyes closed, completely relaxed body, soft breathing.

Severus also closed his eyes and just like every other time he let the water create his body posture. The giant squid was creating waves, and it was gently rocking them. Their body sank down more where everything was black like smooth velvet. It was the first time that Severus' eyes were open. He knew he couldn't see anything down there because the sun can't go down that's why he didn't bother with the bubble charm. But this time was different. Severus tried to look around, but it was useless. Everything was black and peaceful.

He turned his head to watch Potter; it was the only thing he could see. He was calm. His chest was rising at a slow pace. Severus took advantage of the opportunity to watch Potter. He was no longer a boy, but he didn't look like an adult. He was skinny and short, which was a bit odd since both of his parents were tall. His skin was white, decorated with several scars. Severus knew the origin of some of them. On Potter's right arm a long cut, the night when the Dark Lord returned. On his left hand, writing: 'I must not tell lies', a memory of Albus' mistake. There was a lot on his back, but Severus didn't know the story of those. Two on his legs, maybe they're from the war. Severus moved his eyes back to Potter's face; it was still red and swollen. Severus was sure somebody hit Potter. He saw enough bruises to know how it looked like when somebody was punched.

After twenty minutes in the water, Severus began to swim back to the surface pulling Potter with him. He held Potter's hand and led him to the shore.

'Stay still,' Severus whispered to him, and Potter nodded while he was trying to control his shivering. Severus cast a warming charm on him slowly moving his wand up and down until Potter wasn't trembling anymore.

'Thank you,' Potter whispered too. It wasn't necessary for them to talk quietly but both of them felt they were a part of a ritual and it required the whispering. 'Can I ask something?'

Severus began to warm and dry himself and to surprise himself he nodded. Potter took a deep breath.

'When I thought so foolishly that you were drowning and pulled you out of the water, you weren't using Bubble-charm. How can you stay under the water that long?'

'I have the ability to hold back my breath for five minutes.'

Severus was fixing the bell on his trousers when he responded. His hand stopped in the motion, and he froze. Why did he answer? Why did he showed and told all this to Potter? He could count on one hand how many time he said this sentence out loud.

'Really? That's so cool!'

Cool? That was something that Severus didn't expect. He, like always, was waiting for strange looks, snorting and nasty comments. But Potter reaction was completely different.

'But... You were under the water for more than five minutes, and I didn't see you come up for breathing.'

And then again Severus did the opposite of what he usually did. Maybe it was because of the weather, or because he was calm again, or because Potter was looking at him with those big, green shining eyes, but Severus waved his wand, and his necklace became visible. Lately, Severus was feeling the need to escape again, and he was wearing the necklace all the time, in a case, if his seizure would start, he could leave immediately.

'This is my own invention,' said Severus and gently touched the pendant. 'In every four minutes an oxygen bubble comes out of the pendant, and it lets me take another deep breath.'

Potter stepped closer and he also gently touched the pendant. Usually, Severus didn't like if somebody stands too close to him, but Potter smelled the water and the freshly mown grass, and it somehow made Severus calm.

'You made this?' Potter asked in amazement, 'This is incredible. You're so smart.'

And that was the moment when Severus suddenly felt uncomfortable. He stepped back and cleared his throat. It seemed Potter also realised what he had said and he began to dress up without looking at Severus again. After they dressed up, Severus sat down at the edge of the lake and watched the water. Potter looked at him just for a moment, and without saying a word, he turned around and walked away.

Severus played with the pendant on the necklace while he was watching the waves what the squid made. The water was splashing on the rocks, the wind carried student's laugh, a birth was singing above his head on the tree.

And Harry Potter thought he was cool.


	2. The Castle

The winter arrived on a Tuesday morning with strong wind and ice-storm. The next night the lake froze, and after a week all the outside classes were cancelled. The intense cold wind made it difficult for the students to concentrate or to get to the greenhouses. Herbology and Care of Magical Creature classes were moved into the castle, and students only had theoretical lessons. Even the centaurs asked for staying in the castle, so Dumbledore turned one of the ground floor classrooms into a forest for them, and now fifteen centaurs were living there.

Going outside was forbidden both for students and teachers because some idiots at the Ministry thought it wasn't just an ordinary winter and storm. They said it was evil, some dark power and it can be dangerous. What Severus thought was that the muggles were destroying nature with their modern technology and carbon monoxide, and what they were witnessing now was just the result of their negligence.

Being closed in the castle was terrible. Severus was angry all the time, and he only could sleep a few hours during the night. He didn't have an appetite, and the only reason why he was forcing the food down on his throat was to avoid the unwanted questions. He often found himself staring out of the window or standing in front of the closed doors. He missed the Lake, the coldness and the quiet. Oh, how much he missed the quiet and to be alone.

He even offered to go out and check on Professor Sprout's plants at one of the staff meetings. Saying whatever caused this unusual weather couldn't be worse than Voldemort so he would be safe. The poor woman was so worried about her precious magical herbs, and Severus could understand that. But Dumbledore didn't allow him to go outside; he said the elves were taking care of the greenhouses. He tried to escape, break the protection just to go out for five minutes, but he couldn't. It was stronger than anything he had ever faced before.

Severus' chamber was in the dungeons too. It was also cold, dark, and quiet just like the Lake. He tried to spend as much time as he could there. He also had big windows, similar to what was in the Slytherin common room, but underwater creatures didn't come there too. His silk bed sheet usually helped him to calm down, but after a while, it wasn't enough. He missed being in the water, gently rocking by the waves along with the fishes. He tried the bath again, and the prefect's bathroom too, but the pipes were loud.

Although his chamber was quiet, and perfectly suited to him, after a while, he couldn't even stand his own room. But where to find a quiet place when you know your own room is the most suitable choice? The answer came to Severus when he found himself staring at a closed the door on the fourth floor at the entrance of the South Tower.

Hogwarts had four big towers, each of them was named after a quarter; North, East, West and South. According to a legend Rowena Ravenclaw built the towers for the other founders to use them as offices. But Salazar Slytherin liked more the dungeons, that's why the Slytherin common room was there, and Helga Hufflepuff was afraid of high, that's why she moved her base to the ground floor.

There weren't too many parts of the castle that was closed. Students liked to think if a territory was closed it was because there were secrets, dangerous creatures, or treasures. That was true when Dumbledore hid the Philosopher's Stone here, but the reason why the South Tower was closed is more simple and boring. It was an economical choice. They didn't need to use that part. All the classrooms were on the other side of the castle. Gryffindors and Ravenclaws were using to their towers as common rooms, Hufflepuff tower was restructured into the Astronomy Tower, and the South Tower was closed. The South Tower was Salazar's.

It was already closed when Severus was a student, and everybody knew the reason, maybe that's why nobody tried to sneak in.

Maybe he could go there. He would be alone, nobody would disturb him, and he could explore an unknown part of the Castle where, perhaps, nobody had stepped in the last 100 years.

Severus looked around in the corridor. It was empty; students were sitting on their last lessons. It was getting dark outside, maybe the sun was setting down, but dark grey clouds were covered it. Severus stepped closer to the door. He felt insecure about this. But why? Chatter and laughing were coming from his right side. Severus shook his head. He was a Professor here; he had every right to go wherever he wants. He took out his wand, pointed to the lock and murmured 'Alohomora'. The lock clicked and the door creakingly opened. Severus quickly stepped through the door and closed it behind himself.

The door wasn't too thick, but it felt like a strong stone wall was keeping the outside world. The relief ran through his body, and Severus took a deep breath. The air was chill and damp. He lit up his wand. He was in a sort of alcove. There were stone benches each side of the room and a staircase in front of him, and everything was covered with a thick layer of dust. Severus took a few steps forward and turned around. He could see his footsteps in the dust. He lifted up his robe and continue his walk.

He was right when he thought nobody had walked here in the last 100 years. Everything was covered in dirt and dust. The walls turned grey over the years, and the windows were opal. The walls were also empty. There were no torches or paintings, only cobwebs here and there. He was actually grateful for the dust because it swallowed the noises of his shoes. Therefore, the corridors were quiet. Quiet like the lake.

Severus was walking around aimlessly in the empty corridors. He hoped he would find a broken window to smell the fresh air (or climb out), but unfortunately, all of them were closed and intact. He stopped in front of a rather large one and cast a cleaning spell on it. It was almost dark outside. All he could see was snow, what swallowed the land. The lake was still frozen, and he wondered how the giant squid would survive. Severus stood there until the only thing he could see was his own reflection in the window. He slowly walked back to the entrance. Luckily the corridor was empty when he stepped out. Severus closed and locked the door, then gently touched it.

Yes, it would work. Perhaps with this, he would be able to survive until the storm would pass.

~*~

At the second time when he went to the South Tower, he lit up his wand and checked his footsteps in the dust. Luckily he only saw his own, and that meant still nobody was interested in coming here.

After visiting the Tower several times, Severus had found a new kind of calmness in the dusty corridors. He liked that there were no paintings, or cracking armours, no ghosts, no people, no one. He still missed the lake and the water, but going to the South Tower helped him a lot. He was able to sleep through the night, and he had an appetite again. He knew this state was only temporary, but he hoped it would last until the storm would pass.

Severus' life fell into a peaceful rhythm. He went to the Tower whenever he needed but he also spent his free time there, and the reason for this was probably the lighting bricks. Because of the terrible weather, it was always dark, and more torches were lit up. It made the castle too bright for Severus. He liked the South Tower because the only light was there his own lit wand, but after a while, he found it disturbing too. He tried to walk around without light, but it was too dark and couldn't see further than his nose. While he was walking around and thinking about some solution, he noticed a brick that was glowing in blue. Severus gently touches the brick and not too far away from that another began to glowing also. It was a bit different shape of blue, more like navy. He walked further, and other bricks started to shine; one in ocean blue, another one was bright like the sky, a cobalt one next to the ceiling. He found another bright one, and he wasn't sure, but he thought this was called arctic blue. It seemed like the Castle heard his unspoken wish. Since then the corridors were shining in soft, dim blue light. Severus imagined this was how the sea would look like under the sunlight.

Every time when he stepped through the door, he felt the relief when he saw his footsteps in the dust. His secret hiding place was safe. But after a while, Severus found difficult to breathe in the dusty air. First, he just cast a cleaning spell on the stone benches and the wall. He kept the stairs in the dust just to know nobody was there. Then he began to clean the corridors. Clean the cobwebs from here and there. Swept away the dirt, wash the windows and its ledge. And after visiting the Tower for one month, he finally decided to clean the stairs.

Thanks for the cleaning, the corridors looked more surrealistic. It was still dark outside all the time, and after two o'clock it was getting darker. The blue bricks were still shining in that low enchanting light; painting the walls and the floor in different shades of blue. Severus still felt like he was walking under the water. It was calm, quiet, and magical.

On one afternoon, Severus was walking to his favourite window when he first time heard a noise. At first, he thought he was just imagining, but after taking a few steps forward, he heard it again. He turned around at the next corner and silently began to walk to the direction of the noise.

He felt betrayed because somebody else also had found his secret place. But it bothered him more who was that person. As he was walking further, the noise became more recognisable. It was muffled crying. At that point Severus had two choices: Turn around, walk away, and he would never found out who find his place. Or he could go and see who was crying, and why here. He was sure the reason was bigger than a silly teenager drama, because of that anybody could cry anywhere, and they wouldn't bother to go that far away.

While he was walking, he had a sort of odd feeling; it was like he perfectly knew who he will found around the corner.

Severus stopped. He held his breath in; then he turned around the corner.

Untamed black hair, small, violently trembling body, muffled crying. Potter was sitting on the floor under a rather larger window. His knees were pulled up, and his arms were around his legs. His crying was muffled because he buried his face into his legs.

Severus stepped back and led against the wall.

After their little adventure into the bottom of the Lake, what Severus liked to pretend never happened, Potter changed more dramatically. He was moving around Severus without any noise. He was never late from Potions class, always worked alone in silent and his potions became more and more acceptable. On the corridors, he was quiet too. He never yelled, ran, or was loud like the others. In the Great Hall, he liked to stay near the wall next to the door, and he was watching Severus. All the time. He tried to hide it, but he did it so badly. Because of Potter careful watching Severus was able to prevent two panic attacks. A little voice in his head said that maybe Potter understood what was happening to Severus, but he never let his heart fully believe it. Wizards liked to think that panic attacks were only a muggle thing and things like that could be easily cured with Potions or with spells. But it wasn't true. If there were a cure for this, Severus would have found it already.

Severus had a theory that maybe Potter had panic attacks and seizures like Severus' and that's why he was so understanding. The way he was crying on the floor confirmed his theory. But what to do? Severus closed his eyes and thought about the day when he found Potter near the lake. He looked incredibly sad, and the next time wasn't different. Severus remembered how relaxed Potter looked in the water and after that. At that time, the water helped him even if he hadn't had a panic attack or anything. The reason why he refused to think about that day was that he still couldn't find a reason why he did that; and at this very moment, Severus also didn't know why he was thinking about helping or not. Would it be even possible to help him?

How would Potter react, if Severus walked there? If Severus were in a situation like this, would he want to anybody see him? No, Of course not! But Severus would never let something like happen. If he wanted to be completely honest; he wouldn't have minded at all if somebody had offered a little help when he was young.

Severus walked in front of Potter but didn't know what to say. Luckily he didn't have to. One shaking hand reached out to him, grabbed his robe and began to pull. Severus took off his robe and let Potter stuff all of it onto his lap, hugging it and buried his face there. When Potter's trembling began to ease down, he turned around and walked away. The crying was also dying, and he knew it wasn't because of the distance.

~*~

Severus was slowly walking up and down between the desks. His robe was following him like a shadow, gently touching the floor with every step. Smokes were coming from the cauldrons, sometimes hissing and covering the air. The classroom was almost silence; this was one of the reasons why Severus liked to teach potions. He didn't need to talk too much, and the students had to work in quiet.

It was Severus' first Potions lesson after he found Potter in the empty corridor. After leaving the ~~boy~~ man there, Severus went back to his chamber and spent the rest of the night watching his ceiling. His room was dark and quiet, but in his ears, a desperate sobbing was echoing.

Severus turned to Potter, who was working alone in the first row. His eyes were red and puffy, and he looked like somebody who hadn't had a good night sleep in years. He was working slowly, checking every step twice and if he did it, he crossed it out what Severus found really fascinating. From the smoke, what was coming from his cauldron, it seemed his potions was almost perfect. Almost. Severus walked back to his table and sat down.

'Time's up. Drain your potion in a phial, write your name on it and put it on the table. Clean up after yourselves.'

Some students growled in disagreement as they began to finishing their potions and pack. This was the part what Severus hated the most. Somebody pushed a stool, making a gritty sound. Why can't they lift up and put down? Why they have to push and pull it? Somebody hit the cauldron to the sink, it sounded like a church bell and echoed in the classroom. Another student used the stirring rod as a drummer stick while they were waiting for the sink to be free again. Glasses were clinking, books were shut close, bags' buckle snapped, and Severus felt his mind would explode in any minute. He kept his eyes fixed on the paper in front of him, but he couldn't read a single word.

After five minutes of torture, the noises were getting quieter, and Severus began to massage his nose between his eyes. He slowly lifted up his head. Only three students were in the room. Two Hufflepuff girls who were fast as a snail, but in their defence their table was always the cleanest. The third student was Potter. His desk was clean, but he was packing too slowly. Why was he that slow? Was he waiting for being alone with him again? Surely he didn't want to talk to him.

Suddenly Severus felt the oxygen wasn't getting into his lung, so he simply stopped breathing. He looked down the paper, picked up his quill and pointed to the paper. Severus began to write down random Latin words and listening every little noise in the room. Unfortunately, with every second there was less and less noise, and that meant the two girls had left.

"Stop panicking, Severus," he warned himself, "Why are you even panicking? What if he wants to talk to you? It's not a big deal. You have already talked to him; moreover, you have shouted with him."

Severus mentally snorted and wanted to punch his other self. "Yes, but that was before you decided to held his hand and led him into the Black Lake wearing only a boxer and T-shirt! Furthermore, last time you gave your robe to him!"

His mental arguing was immediately finished when he heard the approaching footstep. Salazar! He was coming here! He really wanted to talk to him. Oh, how much Severus hated this! The small talks, the uncomfortable silences and the awkwardness. When one party is stuttering, and the other is pretending to wait patiently. Severus felt his hands began to sweat. He was so close to having a panic attack right now. He closed his eyes and waited.

Steps. Steps. Steps.

Then...

Nothing.

Steps. Steps. Steps.

A soft click and the room was utterly silent.

Severus opened his eyes and looked up.

The door was closed.

He was alone.

Severus should have felt the relief now, but it didn't come. His hands were still sweating, and also a drop was running down on his temple. His vision became blurry and then suddenly the room began to spinning. He closed his eyes and tried to control his breathing, but all he could do was panting. Although his eyes were closed, he could see the light of the candles; it was like they were sparkling like fireworks. Severus flicked with his wand, and the room turned dark.

Severus opened his eyes, he couldn't see anything, and it was what he wanted. He vanished his shoes and socks and put his bare foot on the cold, stone floor. He leaned back and breath in deeply. He held back the air and reminded himself for the more important things: He was alone. It was cold, dark and calm. He was safe.

After spending twenty minutes in the darkness and listening to the quiet Severus began to turn on the lights slowly. Then he noticed that Potter left something on his table. It was his robe, folded and there was a piece of paper on it. Not surprisingly Severus wasn't either fond of the thank you cards too. Severus decided he was not in a state to deal with thank you cards, so he picked up the robe and the card, went to his room, and put them on his coffee table. He went into his bedroom and stood in front of his bed. Just five minutes, he promised to himself. Severus vanished his clothes and collapsed in his bed.

The silk bed sheet gently wrapped around his body, felt like he was in the water again. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly. It was quiet in the room. Severus opened his eyes and sighed deeply. He really wanted to stay and spend the rest of his afternoon here, but he had duties. He climbed out of his bed, dressed up again and went to watch over the first-years-student study hour. Their unbearable misbehaviour erased everything from his mind and by the time he finished, he completely forgot the card.

It was already late when finally Severus arrived back to his chamber. It was enough to take a quick look at his coffee table to remember what happened in the afternoon. As much as he hated these kinds of small gifts somehow, he was curious what Potter wrote to him.

He took a shower, changed into his night clothes, picked up the paper from the table, went into his bedroom and laid down on his stomach. He turned the paper curiously. It wasn't a letter or a thank you card. It was a muggle photo — an underwater picture.

At the left bottom, there were one red-orange and one purple coral. The sun was shining on them. Behind the corals, at the right side of the picture, there was a shoal of fish. They were small with a yellow strip on their side. More than hundred little fishes and their movement looked like a wave. The background was deep blue and mysterious.

Severus gently brushed over his finger on the picture. He felt the calmness settled inside him. Where did Potter get this picture? How did he know that Severus missed the lake? Was that this obvious? That night Severus didn't want to find the answers to those questions. He laid down the picture next to him, put his hand on it and imagined he was swimming with along with those little fishes. The first time, since the storm closed them in the castle, he finally had a good night sleep.

~*~

One week later, Severus was walking in the Tower again. He had been so busy and didn't have time to think about Potter at all. Finally, he had little free time, so he went to his secret place. He was moving slowly in the empty corridors what was swimming in blue lights. Since that night, the picture was on his nightstand. He looked at it every night when he went to bed, and he felt like it was guarding his dreams like a knight. While that picture had a real calming effect on Severus, it also brought many questions with it. Severus still didn't know where did Potter got that photo, or why he gave it to Severus. Was that really a thank you gift, or he just wanted to be kind to Severus? If the latter why was Potter kind to him?

Severus was heading to his favourite window to think about everything he knew about Potter and his behaviour, and finally finding some answer when he turned around the corner and froze. Potter was sitting on the window ledge.

In the last week, Severus more or less managed to ignore the Gryffindor. He was expecting that something would change, but nothing happened. Potter was still watching him, trying to hide it so badly, and Severus was still ignoring him, just like he was ignoring everyone else. It was the first time that they were alone.

Severus took one step forward as quietly as he could, but somehow Potter sensed him and turned to his direction. His eyes were empty, and there wasn't any expression on his face. He didn't even seem surprised to see Severus there, and he didn't rush to stand up and explain why was he there, in a closed part of the castle. He just watched Severus for a long moment and turned back to the window. Severus walked to him and sat down. The window ledge was wide enough to sit there, but if two people wanted to sit to face each other, their legs would touch. As Severus sat down, he made sure his robe touched Potter's leg.

Severus also looked at Potter for a long moment. He was searching for the evidence that he was hit again because the last time he saw him a state like this was before their underwater trip. Severus was expecting that he would panic again, but Potter's attitude didn't change, and Severus knew everything would be all right even if Potter wanted to ask questions or talk. However, Potter didn't say a single word. He was just sitting there and watching out of the window; Severus also turned his attention to the outside world. It was snowing again, and it was almost impossible to recognise anything. Everything was covered in white powder. There were nearly no colours in the land, just whiteness.

After spending one hour in silence, Potter stood up and walked away. Severus was watching the young man until he disappeared at the corner.

And this was pretty much how they spent the next month.

If Potter were sitting on the window ledge, Severus would sit next to him, made sure his robe touched Potter's legs, and they watched the winter land. They didn't speak to each other: no hellos or goodbyes, nothing. Sometimes they didn't even look at each other. Severus sometimes knew silence could say more than any word could and it can also understand better. He knew if he wanted to hear anything first he needed to stay quiet because in the noise you would never hear anybody's whisper and those who needed help never shouted.

For any outsiders, it would be the oddest thing they would ever see. Two men sitting on the windows edge for hours and they didn't even speak one word. But for some mysterious reasons, Severus felt like they were developing a friendship, mutual understanding or something like that in the silent.

'Have you ever been happy?' whispered Potter at one afternoon. It was the first time he had ever spoken since they started to sit together. He was leaning against the wall, but his head was resting on the window. As he spoke his breath steamed up the window. Severus looked into Potter's emerald eyes for a long moment, then turned back to the window.

"What an unusual question," Severus thought. Have you ever… This contained the fact that Potter knew Severus wasn't happy. How would Potter know that and why he suspected that he had never been? But even Severus needed to ask this from himself. Has he ever been happy? He started to sort out his memories. Admittedly, there were moments when his life was better, and his days brighter. For example, when he made his record about hold his breath in for 5 minutes; or the first time he ever created a new spell. Or that day when he met a doe in the forest and the animal silently followed him for hours. There were a few rare moments when he felt pleased, but was that happiness. Has he ever felt happiness?

A branch broke down under the weight of the snow. Severus almost could hear how the wood breaks.

'No,' he whispered finally, then he added 'You?'

But when he turned his head back Harry's place was empty. He managed to walk away without making any noise. Severus wasn't even sure Harry heard his answer, but maybe he already knew it? And perhaps Severus already knew Harry's answer too...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who commented on the first chapter. It melted my little heart :) And thanks for all the kudos. I hope you will like this chapter too.


	3. The Panic

If Severus would have got one galleon every time if somebody called him a heartless, cruel person he would have been richer than the goblins in Gringotts. But he never believed them. Severus knew, he has a heart and not just because he felt it beating in his chest. He knew he could be kind, and in some (really) rare occasions he showed his soft side, but only just people who knew would never hurt him like Minerva or Poppy, and the list ends here. But in the last one and a half month, Severus began to think maybe others were right.

Self-hate was an everyday company in Severus life, but lately, the feeling of guiltiness and selfishness also join his days. Harry's presence on the window ledge became a part of Severus' calmness, and he wanted Harry to come to the Tower and spend time with him in complete silence, and it made him feel terrible. Because he knew Harry was going there for the same reason as Severus: to find peace. He was afraid if Harry would recover or get cured of his illness or whatever made him come there, he would never come again. That's why secretly deep down in his heart Severus wished that Harry would never recover. He was a monster. He was indeed a heartless person because who would wish something like that for another person? Only somebody who was cruel and selfish, but he can't help; Severus felt the relief whenever Harry showed up and sat in front of him, or he found the young Gryffindor already there.

Because of his selfish thinking, he never made comments if he found Harry there after curfew or when he was supposed to sitting in class. He never gave detention or took points. Severus understood that Harry needed to be there, that he had a reason and he wasn't out to look for trouble.

The first time when Severus sat next to Harry, the window was behind his back, he watched the blue lights at the corridor, and he was sitting with a straight back. As time went by, his sitting position had changed; it became relaxed, and sometimes he sat like Harry. Legs up on the ledge back leaned against the wall, and his head rested on the window. Sometimes Severus was sitting there with closed eyes, those times he knew Harry was watching him, he could feel his eyes on himself.

Usually, they spent one or two hours sitting in front of each other, sometimes their leg touched, but they never talked. The only time when the old walls could hear their voice was when Harry asked about happiness, but Severus still didn't know if Harry heard his answer or not. Although they didn't say a single word to each other in the last one and a half month, they started a sort of ritual.

The chocolate biscuit ritual, this is how Severus called it. It started around 3 weeks ago. They were sitting on the ledge at one afternoon. Both of them were watching out of the window. It finally had stopped snowing, and Severus was hoping that the time would turn better and eventually he could leave that damn building. Severus was watching the Owlery and how the owls were flying around the tower, stretching their wings and hunting for food. In the corner of his eyes, he saw Harry was moving. He thought the other would leave, but the next moment Harry reached out his hand to Severus. He turned his head to Harry's direction and saw Harry was offering a chocolate biscuit to him. Severus raised his eyebrow wasn't sure what Harry meant with the cookie, but took the biscuit and nodded as thank you. For a brief moment, Severus stared the biscuit and thought about when was the last time he had eaten something like this. The chocolate chips on the top started to melt under his finger, so he bit in it. Severus was expecting the biscuit would crack and it would sound like wood crack and would echoing at the empty corridors, but the biscuit's texture was soft and melted in his mouth. It wasn't too sweet, the chocolate chips on the top were dark chocolate, and he could also taste a little cinnamon. Harry also had a biscuit for himself, and for a few minutes, their chewing filled the Tower. Since that day they ate one biscuit whenever they were at the Tower.

~*~

Christmas was just around the corner. To be specific, it was two weeks away. All the students forgot how to behave properly, and Severus didn't know if he ever said 'Detention' that many times. Thanks to the Tower, Harry and the chocolate biscuits he managed to survive his days without any seizure.

Severus was on his way to a staff meeting, and he actually was in a good mood. He was sure the reason why Dumbledore convened a meeting because he wanted to discuss who would escort the students to the railway station, and Severus would volunteer for this so important and dangerous task. The thought that he would be able to leave the (damn) castle soon made his mood rather good. He already planned everything. He knew, in Dumbledore eyes' only a few teachers would be suitable for this task, Hagrid, Minerva, Flitwick and of course, Severus. After they led the children to the station, Severus would mention how good Madam Rosmerta's mulled wine last year was. He would bet all his galleon that Hagrid would jump on the occasion to go to the pub and have one (or five) glass. And while his colleagues would be there, he could go and take a long, nice, quiet walk around the lake and the forest. Severus would listen how the fresh snow cracks under his shoes and would make snowballs and see how far he could throw them. He would stay out until his hand starting to freeze and after that, he would go back to the castle and have a hot chocolate in his quiet and dark chamber. It was a perfect plan. And the castle would be almost empty.

Severus arrived at the teachers' room. It was a large room with tables and comfortable armchairs, but Severus rarely went there. Some of his colleagues used it as an office, and they graded tests there or meet students and gave them help with the lessons. It was always busy, and Severus couldn't concentrate if the atmosphere were like a market.

Minerva was already there; she had a lot of paper on her lap. As Severus sat down the chair next to her, she looked up, smiled softly at Severus and nodded. Severus looked down to the papers, and he saw Minerva was grading essays, but what caught his eyes was the handwriting. A little shaky and criss-cross letters and only the P and H were pretty. It was Harry's essay, and Severus shook his head when he saw Harry made the same grammar mistake over and over again. Even Minerva circled it and drew sad little face next to it. But apart from this Harry's essay was perfect.

A few minutes later Albus had arrived with the rest of the staff. Albus walked behind a table, sat down and looked at them above his half-moon glasses.

'Thank everyone, to come for this meeting. Many of the parents contacted me, expressing their concern about this unusual weather. After winning the Second Wizarding War, everybody wants to live their life in peace and parent are worried about their children. Consulting with the Ministry of Magic we decided that the best is if this year the students spend the Christmas break here and most of the parents support our idea.'

Severus felt the blood went out of his face. The students wouldn't go home. Those irritating, noisy, little shits would stay here. There won't be lessons or study hours. All their days would be free, and Severus was sure none of them would behave.

'Are you sure this is the best solution, Albus? Won't be a problem that they are spending the holidays separately?' asked Flitwick.

'The Ministry allowed us to make a one week break after this weather passes. The parents want their children to keep safe, and they think, along with the Ministry, Hogwarts will be the safest place from this strange weather phenomenon.'

'This is nonsense, Dumbledore!' snapped Severus. He pointed to the windows. 'This is just snow and wind! There's nothing evil outside. This is how a strong winter looks like!'

After Severus' outburst, heavy silence settled in the room. Albus slowly turned his gaze to Severus. Although his blue eyes were sparkling and some thought it's because of the kindness, Severus knew Dumbledore's blue eyes represented the cold what he had in his heart.

'Perhaps it's just a strong winter; perhaps it's something else. But until the Ministry doesn't say, it's safe to go outside; we will stay in the castle, and do our duty what is protect the children.'

Dumbledore started to tell how the Ministry was working on the solution, but Severus didn't hear it. He looked down his hands; they were shaking uncontrollably. His heart started to beat fast, and it felt like he had another one in his ears. The room was getting warmer and smaller with every minute.

'Excuse me, Professor Dumbledore, but what 'bout the Christmas trees? If we can't go out, how we will have them?'

Hagrid's deep voice sounded like a dragon roar for Severus now, but for this question, he began to hope again. Oh, yes, the Christmas tree. If the students stayed here, they would need a Christmas tree. They hadn't decorated the castle yet, what was really odd because usually it was decorated at the middle of November. He could accompany Hagrid when he would go out for the trees to protect the gamekeeper from this oh so-called evil storm. But again, Dumbledore destroyed his hopes.

'I'm afraid Hagrid this year we need to transform some items into Christmas trees.'

Severus inhaled sharply. Even the Christmas tree wouldn't be real. What kind of Christmas would it be? Severus didn't care too much about the holiday, the decorating and the presents. The only thing he liked about Christmas was the smell of the pine trees; it reminded him of the forest, the snow and of the freedom. He knew Minerva was an expert in Transfiguration, the best he had ever met, and Flitwick was good too, but knowing that the trees would be nothing but broken cupboards transfigurated into Christmas trees killed the mood.

He closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. Minerva gently put her hand on Severus' shoulder. She whispered something but Severus couldn't hear it. The room was too loud now. Somebody pushed their chair. Hagrid laughed out loudly and slapped the table. Trelawney was playing with her bead bracelet, and Dumbledore was shaking his foot what made the whole table shake. The room was too bright, too warm and there were noises everywhere.

'Excuse me,' said Severus between his teeth. He stood up and hurriedly left the room. If somebody was calling after him, he didn't hear it, but he knew nobody bothered if he was there or not.

After stepping out of the room, he thought he would fall on his knees. In every meter of the corridors there was a torch lit up, giving warm and light to the place but right now they seemed like fireworks. Too sparkly, too bright. Severus closed his eyes for a moment and then began to run. He had to get out of here. Out of the castle and Merlin helps him, if he ever steps out he would never come back. At the next corner, he turned at the right but immediately stopped. More bright lights and the corridor was filled with laughed, loud chatter and the sound of hundreds of stomping feet. His vision turned blurry, and the ground started to move. Severus turned around and ran in the opposite direction, but the lights and the noises were chasing after him. He stumbled; it was getting harder to take one step to another. His vision was still blurry, and he felt there were tears in his eyes.

Then his worst nightmare was coming true; Severus heard the approaching steps. Somebody was coming in his direction. He needed to get out of here! He couldn't let anyone see him in a state like this. Severus took one step forward, but his body couldn't handle anymore, fell against the wall. He grabbed the bricks, closed his eyes and waited. He stood there and wished whoever was coming there would be too afraid to him to ask what he's doing.

He did everything that he could to keep his body up in a standing position but his legs gave up, and he fell on his knees. He closed his eyes he felt the tears were rolling down on his face, his heart was beating in his ears. So this day had come, he thought bitterly. In any minute the students would see their most hated, bitter, cruel Professor on his knees, shaking like a leaf and chocking for air. Surely they would have a good laugh at him.

The sound of the steps died away. The person who was coming in his direction had arrived. Severus was waiting for the laugh and the nasty comments, but it was silent. Then the person gently held his elbow and began to pull up, but Severus' muscles didn't cooperate. He felt a light breathing next to his ears then soft an angelic voice whispered into his ears, 'Breathe,' it said.

And Severus breathed, because if the heaven itself talk to you; you have to obey, right? So Severus breathed in through his nose and exhaled through his mouth. The strong hand what was still holding his elbow tried to pull him up once more, and Severus heard the voice in his ears again, 'Stand up. I'll hold you.' Severus gathered all his strength and pushed himself up from the ground. Another hand wrapped around his waist and held him firmly.

He wondered if he was dying? Surely that's why he heard an angel, but what he didn't understand why Heaven was waiting for him and why not the Hell? He knew he had a rented place in Hell. What was that Angel doing here? Was it a male or female? It sounded like a male. Does he have wings?

With one hand he was still holding the brick wall, on his other side the Angel was holding him, with shaking legs and closed eyes he began to walk, where to, he didn't care. He felt safe in Angel's arms. Before Severus could feel his legs couldn't take any more, they stopped, and the Angel stepped away from him. Severus took a step forward and felt a warm hand on his chest. He breathed in because he remembered this is what the Angel asked him to do. His nose immediately full of the sweetest scent: Freshly mown grass and the forest.

Severus slowly opened his eyes.

His vision was still blurred, the lights were sparkling, and the corridor was spinning. It was too hot; the sweat was flowing down on his neck, his heart was still drumming in his ears, but there was one pair of green eyes that stayed still, silently promising him that everything would be fine all he had to do is trust, and that moment Severus was trusting in Harry with all his heart.

Harry moved his hand from Severus' chest to his waist and pulled him through a door into a dark, cold room. Severus closed his eyes again, breathed in deeply and enjoyed how the cold air ran down into his lungs. He felt the cold wall against his back, but then he heard a soft click and Harry's steady calm breathing disappeared. Severus opened his eyes and looked around. The room was dark, and he was utterly alone. Realising that his guardian Angel left him alone, his legs gave up, and Severus shrank to the floor. He started to shaking again, and tears were rolling down on his cheek, but he didn't know if he was crying or having another breakdown.

Minutes were passing slowly, but Severus crying wasn't decreasing. He lifted up his head and saw two steps away the floor was slowly moving.

It was water.

Severus looked around and realised he was in one of the Prefect's bathroom. With trembling hand, Severus pulled out of his wand, and pointed to the water, he mouthed 'cold' and hoped he still had enough strength to perform magic. Knowing that he is alone and nobody could see him, he crawled to the edge of the pool and with his clothes on he fell into the cold water.

Severus knew, a moment later he would reach the bottom of the pool, and he wouldn't be floating in the water like in the Lake, but this was still calming. The water was cold and dark. He arrived at the bottom and spread his arm. The reason why he didn't like the Prefect's bathroom was the pipes. They were running through the whole castle and caring the noises everywhere. He could hear Moaning Myrtle's whining crying coming from the pipes, but before he could think about how annoying she was, suddenly everything turned quiet. Severus listen carefully, but no noises were around him.

The four minutes passed too fast, the oxygen bubble came out of the pendant, and Severus took a deep breath. He needed more than 30 minutes to his heartbeat began to slow down another thirty to feel the calmness had come. One hour later he came up to the surface. He felt a bit stronger, so he made his clothes disappear and appear again, dried and folded on the floor.

The room was still unnaturally quiet. Did Harry cast a protection spell around the area? Severus never thought Harry would do something like this for him or he would be this kind to him. He felt the warmth spread on his chest. Severus took a deep breath again and besides the smell of the water where was something sweet in the air. He swam to the end of the pool, and there were two chocolate biscuits on a napkin.

Severus looked around, but he was alone in the room. He pulled his hand out of the water and rested on the floor, then he rested his head on them and watched the biscuits.

Two biscuits. They only ate one when they were together. Was this Harry's biscuit what he waived for Severus' favour, or he gave Severus a second one. Does it matter which one is the answer? Was there any difference? Severus reached out for a biscuit. It was the same product, the same brand and quality just like the first time. It was crunchy and soft at the same time. It was perfect, and Severus didn't know why he thought that.

Before he found Harry crying on the corridor, he desperately wanted to find a little time to think about him, but he didn't have. Then they began to sit together, sharing the silence and biscuits and he thought it didn't matter anymore, but if he wanted to be honest with himself, it mattered. Because why did Harry watch him? Why did he was understanding? What were the meaning of the underwater picture and the biscuit? Why wasn't he Potter anymore for Severus and when he became Harry? But moreover, why could just the thought of losing Harry make Severus panic?

Severus finished his biscuit and pushed himself to the middle of the pool. He laid on the water and watched the ceiling. His arms were spread, and he moved them on the top of the water, let it tenderly slipping through his fingers.

That day when he found Harry on the edge of the Lake, Severus thought Harry looked as lost as Severus was in his younger year. But he didn't understand why Harry was alone. The Golden Trio was always by his side until the War, but after that something change and Harry spent more time alone. Of course, a war changed people, but true friends would remain. Were they never his real friends? Was it Harry who changed or his friends? He knew Harry changed. The never-ending battle killed him. He looked intact, unharmed and perfect but if somebody would look into his eyes would see how broken he was inside and Severus knew this because he was broken too. Or was it something else?

Then Severus remembered Harry's red, swollen face. That day somebody hit him, he was sure about this. But who and why? And that time when he found him crying on the corridor. Was it a seizure or he was just sad? Too many questions and Severus wanted to know the answers all of it. But he wanted to understand more is his own actions. He never really cared about Harry. Severus kept him alive, saved his ass too many time, but he never cared about his happiness. Harry always seemed happy. People always surrounded him, and he was always smiling.

But Severus saw Harry alone once. Once, when he needed most the people who were always by his side, but that time he stood alone. The time when he faced Voldemort. Some couldn't be there: Minerva was unconscious; Flitwick was fighting with 3 Death Eaters just like some of the students. Some didn't want to be there: His friends said they were fighting at the other part of the castle, and they couldn't be there, but Severus had found out from one of the ghosts that they were hiding and didn't fight at all. Or Albus who was busy to say to everyone who tried to help, that Harry needs to fight this battle alone because the prophecy said that. As for Severus, he was lying in the half-destroyed castle with a broken leg and bleeding chest, and he was watching how Harry stood utterly alone in front of the darkest evil wizard who had ever existed. They started to fight, and Harry did it great, but he began to give up when he realised he was alone. Everyone always said they would be there at the end, and here he was: alone. That was the moment when Severus pushed himself in a sitting position and with all his strength connected his magic with Harry's. Severus didn't remember too much after that. He saw Voldemort's body turned into dust and Harry fell on his knees. Sometimes he dreamed about a hand what touches him and a voice whispers "Thank you", but he didn't know that if it was his heart's wish or a memory.

Severus swam back to the edge of the pool and sat out of the ground, but his legs were still in the water. He moved his legs slowly creating small waves in the water. He turned back and watched the last biscuit. Severus reached out for the biscuit and slowly took it. While he was eating it with small bites, he started thinking about Harry again. He knew when the irritating, Gryffindor golden boy became Potter, but Severus couldn't remember when he became Harry in his head. By the time he finished his biscuit Severus had realised Harry is a mystery what he couldn't solve in one night, but he could try to do it bit by bit over the time.

Severus dressed up and vanished the water. He took a deep breath and stepped out of the Prefect's bathroom. In front of the door, there was a half-circle shaped blue shield, behind that Harry was sitting on a stone bench, and he was reading a book. When he heard the door close, he looked up and with a wave of his wand made the protection spell slowly disappear. Severus watched as the shiny wall was vanishing from the top to the bottom and a moment later he heard the noises of the castle.

Harry put away his book in his bag and pulled out another biscuit of his pocket. He offered that too to Severus.

'I've already eaten two,' whispered Severus.

Harry took a step forward and took Severus' hand. His touch was warm, and Harry's finger was soft, reminded Severus of velvet. He gently held Severus's hand like it was made of glass and he placed the biscuit onto Severus' palm. Then he closed Severus' finger around it and caressed Severus's potion stained skin.

'Sometimes some people even deserve three biscuits in one day,' he said quietly and looked up into Severus' eyes. His voice was still like angelic for Severus, and the calmness settled into his heart again. He wanted to say something. Anything. A thank you or just a simple word, but Harry's green-eyes and took away his voice. Then Harry released his hand, turned around and walked away. Severus was watching him until he disappeared at the corner.

During the dinner, Dumbledore announced his decision about the winter break. As soon as Albus stood up to speak Severus was watching Harry without blinking. For the news, there was two kind of students in the Great Hall. The ones who were sad because they couldn't spend the Christmas with their family and the ones who were excited to stay in the castle without classes to attend and rules (this what they were thinking). And there was Harry. He looked horrified. He turned pale, and Severus saw the fork was shaking in his hand.

Harry was the first student, and Severus was the first teacher who left the Great Hall when the dinner ended.

Late at night, Severus was sitting in the middle of his bed in his silk pyjama. Before him, laid the biscuit what Harry gave it to him and the underwater picture. He cast a spell to see the time. Severus was waiting for the new day what was only five minutes away. Harry said sometimes some people deserved three biscuits in one day and Severus agreed with that. Some people sometimes deserved it, like Harry. Harry deserved all the biscuit what had ever existed, but not Severus. Not a cruel, heartless, selfish person like Severus who wished whatever illness Harry has would stay with him so Severus could spend more time with Harry. Severus hated for himself for this, but he knew from now he needed Harry for his calmness. He was often wondering what would happen after the winter finally end. Would Harry go to the Tower? Severus knew if he eventually would be able to leave the castle he would spend hours in the Lake. Would Harry join him if he asked him?

Severus looked at the time again. The new day had already started one and a half minutes ago. He ate his biscuit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! This is not how I planned this story, but it turned out to be 4 chapters long. I hope you still like it. The last chapter is almost finished. Thanks for your comments and kudos. :)


	4. His Body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to spoil my own story, but I have to warn you I've never written a sex scene before. So if it's unrealistic please just ignore it. And btw I'm hiding in the corner with a red face...

Severus was sure if he had to listen to the 'Holy night' ever again he would kill somebody, and that would be a holy thing for him. The Great Hall was over-decorated, and it was crowded. There were the usual six big Christmas trees, but he couldn't look at them. Minerva did an excellent job, they looked realistic, even smelled like pine trees, but they weren't real. One of them was really a broken cupboard before. They reminded Severus to those horrible plastic trees what muggles have. Yes, they looked real, but Severus knew the truth, and it killed his none existent Christmas mood.

It was Christmas Eve, and of course, Dumbledore thought they must have a party, that's why the room was crowded. Severus was standing in the corner and tried not to snarl at everybody. There were unnecessary flashing lights everywhere. The students were too noisy, and the music was sometimes to melancholic or sometimes too loud and too modern. Five more minutes, Severus told himself. He would spend five more minutes there and then he could say that he stayed two full hours in Albus' ridiculous party. He tried to search Harry in the mass, but he only saw the young Gryffindor when he stepped in the room at the beginning of the madness.

Severus checked the time and groaned. Only one minute passed. He felt his clothes began to get smaller with every second. Ten minutes ago he also noticed the music was irritating him — the first signs of the anxiety attack. He took a deep breath and encouraged himself that he could do it. Then somebody dropped a glass what shattered on the floor; surprised shout followed the noise then loud laugh. Severus turned his head toward the sounds but couldn't see anything because his vision became blurry. He knew he has to leave immediately or a minute later he would gasping for air on his knees. Students were jumping out of his way as he, with an angry look on his face, rushed out of the room.

He didn't think too much where to go, his legs carried him to the Tower, taking two stairs at one step. As he was moving away from the Great Hall, the castle became peacefully quiet, and by the time he arrived at the Tower's corridor, his heartbeat was normal again.

Severus turned left at the corner to the corridor which end has the entrance to Tower, and he froze. Harry was standing there, resting his back at the door. It looked like he was waiting for Severus and as he heard the steps he looked up, his eyes were glowing.

'I'd like to show you something,' said Harry quietly when Severus was in front of him. Harry held out his hand, and Severus took it. Harry's hand was still soft like velvet, and it was pleasantly warm.

They were walking silently in the Tower, just like that time when Severus took Harry into the lake, but this time it was Harry who led. After a few minutes of walking, they arrived at the dead end of one of the corridors or this was what Severus thought. But on the right side, there was a narrow, dark corridor. It was so small that they had to go inside sideways. The little passage ended in a half-circle room. It was darker and colder than the rest of the Tower.

Harry sat down on a stone bench and pulled Severus next to himself. Severus was about to ask Harry why he took him there when he felt it.

A cold wind blew his hair, touched his neck and whistle in his ears. Severus turned his head. On the wall, there was a two or maybe three fingers-wide hole. There was a snowstorm outside again with strong wind what carried snowflakes through the gap. Severus leaned closer and took a deep breath. The air was fresh, crispy, smelled like snow, winter, forest and freedom. He lifted his hand to the hole to feel the cold wind too. Little snowflakes were hitting his hand and melting immediately away. Severus sighed. This was perfect. He rested his head on the wall and was taking slow but deep breathes like he was cleaning his lung from the magically made "fresh air". He didn't smell real fresh air in the last two months. Harry was sitting next to him, still holding his hand and this is how they spent the next hours, and Severus felt he had never got a better Christmas present before.

~*~

Deja vu, word to describe a strange feeling when you feel something happened with you before. Severus wished he only had a Deja vu, but he was in a school party again, the only changing was that it was New Year's Eve and not Christmas. Severus never had pleasant Christmas as a child, but he didn't remember if he had ever suffered that much during the Holiday. Sometimes he thought Albus only made parties and asked Severus to supervise them just to make him feel miserable.

The New Year's Eve party wasn't better than Christmas party. Flashing lights, loud music, idiot teenagers and to make it worse, half of the staff was drunk too. Hagrid started drinking at four in the afternoon and wanted to convince everybody to drink with him. The only reason why he was still awake and not completely wasted because Poppy and Minerva put some Sober-up potions in his drink. Severus thought some strong sleeping potion would have been a better option, but the Ladies weren't happy for his suggestion.

It was around 11 pm when Severus started to feel he couldn't take it anymore. His eyes met with Minerva's who smiled at him and gestured with her head towards the door. Severus wondered how miserable he looked like if Minerva suggested to him to leave, but he didn't let this chance to slip away. Severus hurried to the door and without looking back he rushed to the Tower.

The door closed softly behind him; there was a moment of complete darkness then the bricks began to shine, painting the corridors in dim blue lights. Severus started to walk to that secret place what Harry showed him on Christmas Eve.

Severus was looking for some little peace and quiet, but when he turned right, desperate sobbing was echoing in the empty corridors. His heart started to beat faster than ever. No one else was coming here just He and Harry, and if somebody was crying here, it only could be Harry. He started to run in the direction of the sound, and he ignored the fact that his own steps sounded like hundred boots at the battlefield.

Harry was sitting on their usual spot. His legs were pulled up, arms wrapped around it and his face was hidden behind his knees. His whole body was trembling, and he was sobbing like somebody who lost everything. Severus stood at the corner and didn't know what to do, then he remembered last time Harry took his robe, and it helped him. Severus planned to give the robe to Harry and walk away, but Harry moved his hand to wipe his nose. Red liquid was rolling down on his hand reaching his index finger and then falling to the floor. Severus watched the whole scene like a slow-motion movie, and when the drop hit the ground and splashing into millions of little pieces, it sounded like a crystal vase had shattered.

Blood. Harry was bleeding.

With half removed robe he rushed to Harry and gently touched his shoulder, but this little contact was enough to make Harry jerk and curled up more like he was afraid somebody would hurt him again.

'Hey, it's just me,' Severus said softly. Severus took off his robe and sat at the right side of Harry, placed his left leg behind him, the right was still on the ground and pulled Harry between his legs and embraced him. Severus covered Harry with his robe and began to rock him slowly.

'Shh... I've got you,' Severus murmured into Harry's messy hair. He could smell the dirt and blood in his hair, but there was also the smell of the freshness and something unique what Severus usually smell in the forest. He tried to ignore the fact how perfectly Harry fitted into his arms.

While Severus was waiting for Harry to calm down he was constantly talking to him, 'You're safe now. Nobody can hurt you. I'll protect you.' But 15 minutes later Harry was still crying with the same intensity.

'Who did this to you?' whispered Severus. Harry had bruises on his hand, and when Severus hugged him more tightly, he hissed, so that means his side was also hurting. Judging by the amount of blood what rolled down on his hand somebody punched his nose. It was unequivocal that somebody beat him up even if Severus hadn't seen all his injuries yet.

'Everybody,' sobbed Harry.

Everybody? It cannot be everybody. Why would somebody hurt Harry? He did nothing wrong; he was the walking kindness. It took Severus several years to finally see the real Harry, and after that, he realised how much he misunderstood him. Harry was caring, kind and he helped everyone, no matter what house they were in. He showed the right way to the first-year students to their classes, and he often practices with them. Not to mention that Harry fought all alone against the Dark Lord and finished him. He saved everybody. He freed the Wizarding World, and they dared to hurt him? Severus felt the anger was rising in his heart. Heads will fall if Severus find out who did this. How dare they hurt Harry?  _His Harry!_

'Why did they this to you?' Severus asked again.

'Be-because I'm a fre-freak. Abnormal... Freak...'

Severus remember the first time when somebody called him abnormal. It was during a summer break, he was sixteen, and his tongue was down in a muggle boy's, Greg, throat. He was the miller's son; he was muscular and had sandy blonde hair and Severus still didn't know what that boy saw in him, but one afternoon they ended up kissing on the river bank. For their unluckiness, Severus' father saw them on his way home from the pub. He grabbed Severus and threw him on the ground and yelled into his face that he is an abnormal disgusting piece of shit. Greg tried to protect him but no matter how strong he was one hit from Tobias and Greg was on the ground too. Severus thought he wouldn't survive that night. His father dragged him along on the street by his hair, and at home, he beat him up badly. Severus couldn't walk properly for weeks, and Greg never talked to him again.

Were people still calling homosexuals abnormal? Was this the case here too? Was Harry gay, and was this the reason why they hit him? Severus knew some of the students were homosexual, but Harry wasn't too close to them. Come to think of it; Harry wasn't really close to anyone. Sometimes he spent his free time with Longbottom, Finnigan and Thomas, but the Golden Trio dissolved.

'You like men, don't you? That's why they attacked you.'

The loud sob what break out of Harry was a perfectly clear answer for Severus. So Harry was gay, and it looked like people still have problems with this. Severus always hoped this would change. He remembered his parents' generation thought, being homosexual was an abnormality, a sickness what they tried to heal and Severus' generation suffered so much from this thinking. That's why he hoped that his generation would raise their children better and teach them to be open-minded, but it was clear they made the same mistake again.

 After a while, maybe Harry ran out of tears, or he got too exhausted, but his loud sobbing slowly turned into a quiet muffled crying.

'Let me heal you, okay?'

Harry nodded and finally lifted up his head. Severus was expecting injuries, but he didn't think the situation was this bad. There was blood all around Harry's mouth, that was from his nose, his lower lip was also swollen. His glasses were broken, and the skin under his eyes began to turn purple-black, and there was another bruise on his forehead, and he also had dirt and tears on his face. Severus felt the anger again. He was going to kill somebody, that was sure now.

Firstly Severus cleaned the dirt and the half-dried blood from Harry's face, then he applied some cream on Harry's injuries. Potions and creams were just like medicine for muggles they helped to heal you faster, but they didn't do the work instead of the body, but Severus knew (and had) some strong healing stuff that could heal everything in 10 minutes. Poppy didn't like using them, but Severus didn't want Harry to welcome the New Year covered in blood. After that, he pointed his wand to Harry's back and ran a scan to check for any internal bleeding and broken bones. Luckily everything was all right inside. Five minutes later Severus cleaned the cream off of Harry's face. Only red marks were the proof that something happened.

Severus repaired Harry's glasses too and gave it back to him. 'Better?'

'Yes, thank you.'

After Harry took on his glasses, he bowed down his head, but Severus held his chin and lifted up again.

'Being gay isn't an abnormality,' Severus said seriously; it made Harry blush hard, and he wanted to turn his head again, but Severus held him firmly. 'Listen to me. It isn't an abnormality or a sickness. It's just like hair or eyes colour. Some people born with blonde hair, others with brown. Some have blue eyes, and some have green. Some people are born to be heterosexual, but others are not. It's normal. You were born like this.  _We_  cannot be heal because  _we_  aren't sick and cannot change this! You're normal, never believe anyone who says differently. This is who you are and don't change yourself just to make society accepts you. Forcing yourself in a hetero relationship will only make you unhappy and will eventually eat your soul up. Do you understand what I'm saying?'

Harry nodded, 'Yes.'

Severus wrapped his hands around Harry again, who was still covered in Severus' robe, and moved closer to the wall to Severus leaned against it. Then Severus caressed Harry's face.

'I have the feeling you don't want to talk about what happened, but I'd like you to tell me.'

Harry looked down, it was clear he didn't want to talk about this, but Severus locked their fingers together and squeezed his hand.

'I didn't want to go down to the party,' Harry began, 'but the younger Gryffindors were begging to me to be there and celebrate with them, so I said yes. I didn't like the whole party at all. It was too crowded, and everybody was shouting. After an hour I had enough and went out to the side corridor for a little peace. I found it really nice there so I decided I would stay there until midnight then I'll go back. After I don't know, maybe 20 minutes later some guys showed up, they were-'

'Who?' Severus cut in.

'I don't know them.'

'Which houses they belong?'

'I don't know.'

Severus raised his eyebrow and gave Harry the "Don't lie to me, Potter" look. 'Don't tell me you don't know. All the students were wearing their school uniform tonight. You should have seen their house crests no matter how fast the things happened.'

'Will you punish them?' Harry asked shyly.

'Of course, I will!'

'But they were just drunk!'

'That's not an excuse to beat you! And they get punishments for drinking alcohol. Which house they belong to?'

'They were from every house,' whispered Harry and tears were rolling down on his cheek again, 'and I know... I only know the name of one of them...'

Harry wanted to say more, but the rest of the sentence vanished into a heartbreaking sob. Severus didn't need to ask who was the one person, but he couldn't believe Roland Weasley would turn his back to his childhood best friend just because he was gay. Severus hugged Harry with one arm again. With his other free hand, he sent a message to Minerva to inform her that some student managed to steal Hagrid's firewhisky. This was the other reason why he hated when the teachers (especially Hagrid) were drinking at school events. Easily obtainable alcohol and students could be so creative when they see opportunities.

Harry was sobbing again, and the only thing what Severus could do was hugging and rocking him.

'I'm sorry, I'm loud,' said Harry.

Severus wanted to say it's okay, but it wasn't. It wasn't okay that Harry was a state like this and yes, it was true he was loud. Those empty corridors maybe never heard that much sound and noise in the last hundred years than tonight. And yes, Severus came here for the quiet but listening to Harry's cry was worse than his own panic attack.

'Don't apologise,' Severus said quietly, 'What happened after that?'

Harry took a few calming breaths and swallowed his crying, 'They started to mocking me because I was reading.'

'What were you reading?' asked Severus curiously.

'Uhm... Call me by your name by André Aciman,' answered Harry, blushed.

'That's a good book. I've read it three times.'

For a brief moment, a little smile appeared on the corner of Harry's mouth.

'They took my book and... Oh my God! The book... They burned it. Madam Pince will kill me.'

'Don't worry about that; it wasn't your fault. I'm going to talk to her and explain that some idiots can't appreciate your good taste in books.'

Now Harry was definitely smiling. Shyly but smiling. His eyes were full of tears, his cheeks were flushed, and there was that little shy smile, and Severus thought he never saw anything more brokenly beautiful in his life. They were still holding hands under Severus' robe, and when he moved his hand to caress Harry's cheek again, Harry looked away in embarrassment and continued.

'I tried to get back my book, but I was careless, and one of them managed to took my wand. When they knew I'm wandless, they attacked me and called me names what I don't want to repeat. '

'Cowards,' murmured Severus under his nose.

'Then... Then Neville showed up and tried to protect me, but three of them attacked him, and they hexed him, and he flew the other side of the corridor... I'm not sure what happened after that, but my wand was in my hand again. I guess Neville landed next to it and somehow passed it to me. When they saw I have my wand back, they weren't so brave.'

'Did you hex them?'

Harry shook his head, 'Mrs. Norris showed up at the end of the corridor, and they ran away. I wanted to check on Neville, but he said he's okay and I should go to the Infirmary. But I didn't want to. I didn't want to bother Madam Pomfrey and ruin her New Year's Eve.'

Severus wanted to call Harry foolish, but he saw tears were gathering in his eyes again, so he pulled Harry back in a tight embrace, and he felt the relief when Harry started snuggle in to find a comfortable position in his hug.

They sat in silence for more than ten minutes, then Harry turned around and looked out of the window.

'What a pity that we can't see the stars tonight,' Harry said quietly.

Severus also changed his position when Harry moved. Now both of his legs were on the window's ledge, Harry between them, and he was hugging Harry from behind. Severus cast a spell to see the time, and they silently watched how the minute hand was running toward to midnight. At the moment when it reached; the sound of fireworks were coming from the ground floor.

'It's New Year,' whispered Harry.

'Yes, it is,' Severus agreed. He felt he should say something more, maybe "Happy New Year", but he wasn't sure if Harry wants to hear it.

'You know,' said Harry and turned back to look into Severus' eyes, 'If I knew we would be here on the first day of the New Year I would have brought chocolate biscuits for us.'

They were too close to each other and Severus was afraid if Harry kept looking at him with those big eyes and innocent look, he would do something completely inappropriate, like kissing him. Not even give a chance to his mind to over-think or analyse anything Severus reminded himself that he has something for Harry.

'Actually,' he said and pulled a box out under of his robe, 'I have chocolate for us.'

It was just a simple box of bon-bon what Severus asked from the house elves. He wanted to thank Harry to showed him that hole on Christmas Eve. His original plan was to leave the box here for Harry. He didn't think he would sit here with Harry in his arms and they would eat it together.

Harry took the box, placed on his lap and started to unwrap it. Severus asked the elves not to wrap the box, but those little creatures did everything with too much enthusiasm. As Harry leaned forward the back of his neck got visible, and the urge feeling of kissing it washed over Severus. He wondered if Harry's neck was as soft as his hands. He gently brushed over his thumb on the white skin. It was smooth, maybe even softer than his fingers and Severus wanted to bite in it. Perhaps he would have done it if Harry didn't gasp.

'You have dirt on your neck,' lied Severus and he mentally kicked himself. An hour ago Harry was beaten up because he was gay and here was Severus who couldn't stop himself for touching Harry.

'I can imagine. I'm a complete mess tonight. Sorry.'

After opening the box, Harry leaned back into Severus' embrace and offered him one piece. Severus suppressed his desire to take the chocolate with his mouth and "accidentally" lick Harry's finger.

'I like who I am. I don't want to change or hide it,' Harry said after they eat the half of the chocolate.

'That's good,' whispered Severus in his ear.  _"And I like who you are,"_  he added in his mind.

Around one o'clock Harry's head fell off of Severus' shoulder. Severus cast a spell on Harry to make his body lighter and carried him back to the Gryffindor Tower. He left the remaining chocolate at Harry's nightstand.

~*~

The New Year didn't bring too many changes into Severus' life, except a rumour that a strong wind was coming and maybe it would blow away the evil storm.

There weren't any changes between him and Harry. Severus was expecting Harry would talk at the next time when they were in the Tower, but they continued to sit there in completely silent (unfortunately too far away), and shared biscuits. Severus wished something would change. He wanted Harry to ask questions or just talk about his day, but at the same time, he was glad he didn't do it and gave Severus the silent.

What became clear for Severus that he was really reaching his limit, but not just him but the student too. The first sign of depression appeared on some first-years, and time to time he found crying children on the corridors. He had to brew an extra dose of Calming Draught for Poppy. Students became almost uncontrollable, but Severus was too tired to give them detentions. He hated them, but he also he felt sorry for them. He knew everybody else was suffering from this situation. They hadn't placed a foot outside for three months now. It was unbearable, and it became worst when in the middle of the January an article appeared in The Prophet about drastic weather changes. It was true the temperature began to increase, but nothing changed seriously.

The only person who was enjoying this (or wasn't affected too much) was Albus. He was walking around with his sparkling blue eyes and an annoyingly disgusting smile on his face. It was much easier for him because he didn't hold classes and didn't oversee study hours. And because of this Dumbledore had excellent ideas, (this is what he called them) like making another party, because how much the students were enjoying the last one. He announced his brilliant plan at one of the teachers' meeting when they were having tea in the Great Hall.  _"Yeah everybody was enjoying it except Harry who almost welcomed the New Year covered in his own blood and tear. What a great party was that,"_  thought Severus. He simply decided he would lock himself in his room and didn't attend to the party, but when Dumbledore insisted that Severus should be one of the supervisors, he felt the anger was rising in him again. He almost threw the Gryffindor table at Dumbledore's face. The resistance was meaningless, so Severus stood up and left the Great Hall slamming the door behind himself.

At the Hall, Peeves was lurking around a chandelier and when he saw the angry Severus an evil smile appeared on his face and was about to say something nasty just to make him more upset, but Severus pointed his wand to the main entrance and tried to break the protection again. Was it the good amount of magic what Severus used or the fact that he was screaming, but Peeves decided it wasn't a good time for nasty comments, and he disappeared into the wall.

Severus' outburst was useless, the protection around the castle stayed the same, it not even cracked. He had to get out of here! Severus looked up to the stairs. The Tower. If he would blast that tiny hole into a bigger one, and he could climb out to the roof. Severus felt how the anger was running in his vein, and the next moment he turned into his dusty-like smoke form and with incredible speed, he was flying toward to the Tower. He flew over some students, and after he scared the living shit out of them, he came to his sense that it wasn't the perfect way to travel through the corridors. So in an empty part, he changed himself back.

The entrance of the Tower was only a few meters away, Severus sped up and reached out for the handle but then something bumped into him on the right side, and Severus would let it fall down if his nose wouldn't be filled with Harry's unique forest-like smell. He caught Harry by his waist and held him steadily. Harry stood like a statue in Severus' arm, but after taking some deep breaths, he hugged Severus like his life was depending on him. For a long moment everything was silent then noises began to fill the corridors. Laugh and chatter were coming from the direction where Harry had arrived, and excited shouts from Severus'. Both of them looked around in horror, then Severus threw open the door, pushed Harry inside and locked the door behind themselves, and he felt Harry's protection spell too.

It was dark inside, then the bricks were painting the room into soft blue lights, and Harry looked up. Because of the blue lights, Harry's green eyes had changed, and now it was more like turquoise, reminded Severus of the water in the underwater pictures. Harry looked confused, uncertain; his eyes were searching for answers, his cheek flushed maybe from the running. Then Harry parted his lips to say something, but his sight had already intoxicated Severus, and before his rational thinking could stop him, he kissed Harry.

One moment. There was only one moment of hesitation then Harry grabbed Severus' clothes pulled him closer and kissed back with the same intensity and pushed his tongue into Severus' mouth.

The thought that just a moment ago Severus wanted to climb out to the roof to spend the rest of the winter next to the gargoyles seemed ridiculous and the need of leaving seemed unimportant. Dumbledore can go to hell with his party and the Ministry with its stupid thinking. Nothing mattered anymore, because he was kissing Harry and Harry was kissing him. Severus would happily spend the rest of the winter (or his life) standing like this.

When he opened his eyes again, he was surprised to see that he was sitting on the stone bench on the left side of the door, and Harry was sitting on his lap. When they sat down was a mystery, but Severus wasn't in the mood to solve it.

Severus began to understand what Eve felt when she took the forbidden fruit because kissing Harry was just like that. Like biting into a stolen fresh fruit on a sunny summer day; it was promising, sweet and sinful. And those sinful lips only gave one minute for Severus to catch his breath and they were attacking him again.

When they broke apart, Harry smiled at Severus like the way people usually smile when they see something unique, something beautiful. The muscle around Severus' mouth moved unusually, but before he could analyse what's happening with him, Harry kissed the top of his nose and then Severus' forehead between his eyes. He moved back to Severus' nose, another kiss there, one on his cheek and Harry slowly was making his way to Severus' neck who silently and trembling enjoyed the shower of kisses.

But it wasn't only Harry's lips what was moving on Severus' body; his hands too. Moving little by little from Severus' shoulder down to his elbow then to his side. Severus, who was close to fainting from this sweet attention, couldn't stay still any longer. He dug his finger into Harry's waist, and despite the clothes, he could feel the warmth in his fingertips. Severus moved his hand upon Harry's spine, ran through his hair and crashed their lips together again. He bit into Harry's lips, and when the younger one moaned into his mouth, Severus knew they were too close to cross a line what maybe they shouldn't pass or at least not here and not like this.

'What happened?' Harry whispered after Severus let his lips go and he caught his breath. His head was resting on Severus' shoulder. Severus almost asked back "when?" then he remembered both of them were running away from something to the Tower... The memory of the staff meeting seemed far away like it happened in another life.

'Dumbledore wants another party, ' Severus answered wearily. Harry immediately looked up with fear in his eyes. 'You don't have to attend, you know.' Severus added hurriedly.

'And this is true for you too.'

'Unfortunately not. What happened to you?'

Harry shrugged his shoulder, 'Too many people. I panicked.'

Severus caressed Harry's face and kissed him, 'I'd like to give it to you my robe.'

'Your robe? Why?'

'I know everyone copes with the panic attack differently. For me, the dark and the cold can help. Some people need a material to hold. I noticed my robe helped you.'

Harry ran his fingers on Severus' robe, played with the end then lift to his nose and hid his face in it.

'I appreciated your offer, but I can't take it.' he mumbled.

'Maybe it will be shocking, but this isn't my only robe. You can take it.'

Harry chuckled in the clothes and looked up. Only his eyes were visible, 'I know,' he said and smelled it then let it go, 'It's not the same what you have left for me on the other day. But... It wasn't the material what helped me. It's the smell.'

'The smell?'

'Yes. Your smell.'

'My smell? Potter, you really lost your mind! I probably smell like-' But Severus didn't finish the sentence because he had no idea how he smelled.

'Thyme.'

'Thyme?'

'Yes, thyme or something like. Maybe it's not thyme, but it's reminding me of that. And you smell like old parchments too,' Harry blushed, 'I know it sounds insane.'

Severus tilted his head. Yes, it sounded crazy, but I wasn't more insane than the fact that they had kissed and Harry told him this while he was sitting on his lap.

'You smell like the Forbidden Forest.'

~*~

Two weeks had passed since Severus kissed Harry in the Tower. He thought that moment the World sopped moving, but he was wrong. Two weeks had passed, and he didn't speak with Harry since then. Harry looked happier, and Severus was slightly jealous because of that. But he kept telling to himself it was alright because he wanted Harry to be happy. They didn't meet in the Tower, Severus was there several times, but Harry didn't come. Once they met at an empty corridor, Harry walked up to him and held his hand. He looked like he wanted to say something but every time he opened his mouth no words were coming out. But he kept smiling at him at it melted Severus' heart. They stood at the corridor until somebody wasn't going there. Harry squeezed his hand and walked away, and Severus took points from the students who dared to walk there.

The only change he got was just in the weather. It was getting warmer and warmer with each day and also the strong with what The Prophet predicted had arrived. The newspaper was full of articles that some part of the island had already seen the sun and blue sky after more than three months. The students became excited, and it was the topic in every break and for Severus' annoyance during the lessons too. He had to admit he was also looking forward to the sun again.

He was sitting in his cosy, half-lighted chamber and he was daydreaming about the long walk what he would do as soon as the sun was shining again when somebody knocked on his door. That was unusual because normally nobody visited him in his chamber. Severus put aside his book and opened the door.

Harry in wrinkled clothes, panting and chocking for airs, in full of tears was standing in his doorstep. He was grabbing his Gryffindor tie and looked like a hunted animal.

'Can I stay? Please! I'll be quiet, I promise,' he sobbed.

Quiet? There's no way Harry would be quiet in a state like this, but Severus stepped aside and let him in. He closed the door behind Harry, put his hands on Harry's shoulder, guided him inside and sat him down at the arm of the couch. He wasn't crying like when he was hit; it was clear this time Harry had a panic attack.

Harry pressed his lips together and tried to fulfil his promise to be quiet, but it just made his breathing more like a whistling kettle.

'Breathe,' Severus told him quietly. He kneeled in front of Harry and removed his shoes and socks and put Harry's barefoot to the cold stone floor. Then he stood up and pulled away from Harry's hand from his tie.

'Breathe,' repeated Severus firmly as he removed Harry's tie and Harry tried, but his crying was choking him, and all he could do was gasping for air.

Severus slowly began to unbutton Harry's shirt, 'Breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Take small breaths.'

When Harry was freed from his shirt Severus stroked his hand up and down on Harry's back, then Harry grabbed Severus' clothes, pulled him closer and buried his face there. Suddenly Severus realised it wasn't the cold what Harry needed, it was Severus' smell. The smell what reminded him of the thyme but actually it wasn't that. It was a mix of green herbs what Severus used to keep away the moth from his clothes.

Severus pulled Harry up, whose face was still hidden in Severus' chest, and he began to guide Harry to his bedroom. That smell was the stronger there because he kept the mixture of the herbs in a jar at the bottom of his cupboard. Arriving in the room Severus wanted to Harry to sit down his bed and wait for him, but Harry didn't want to let go him, so he hugged Harry and held him until his breathing got normal again.

'You did it great,' Severus whispered. Harry looked up, his eyes were still filled with tears, but he wrapped his shaking hands around Severus' neck and pulled him down for a kiss. Harry tasted like salty tears but his lips were also sweet, and his taste instantly made Severus' head spinning. Harry was still intoxicating in a good way. Harry made one step closer to the bed, sat down on edge, leaned back and pulled Severus with him.

Harry's hand from Severus' neck moved to his waist and pulled out his shirt from his trousers and by the time Severus had realised that Harry was undressing him; he had already unbuckled his belt. Severus grabbed Harry's hand, pulled away, broke the kiss and shockingly looked into his eyes.

He didn't really know what he was looking for in Harry's eyes, maybe uncertainty, but all he could see was determination and lust. Then Severus leaned down and kissed Harry passionately, but he wasn't ready for that reaction. He wasn't ready for Harry to become this alive and almost tear apart his clothes, but he let Harry do whatever he wanted to do. He knew Harry was inexperienced, but he certainly wasn't shy to explore Severus' body, and Severus let himself to be undress, be touched, kissed, bit, stroked. And when Severus felt Harry had touched every part of his body, he turned the table. Severus took off Harry's remaining clothes, and he also went on a little exploring. He started with biting into Harry's neck to find out if it was as soft and delicious as it looked then he slowly moved to Harry's chest, stomach, waist, thigh, leaving hot kissed, love bites, and red marks along his way.

To how far Harry wanted to go tonight was uncertain. Severus gently moved his finger to Harry's entrance and looked up to see his reaction. Harry was mouthing please over and over again. Severus took out the lubricant of his nightstand and looked upon Harry's eyes for a last confirmation and when he got that he slowly began to prepare him.

The way how Harry was rocking his hips told Severus he was enjoying this, but he was the way too quiet. Severus looked up to see that Harry was biting into his own wrist to muffle his moaning. Severus shook his head, foolish little lion. This wasn't the place where he had to be quiet. Then Severus bit into Harry's thigh. Harry stifled the moan. Severus slowly made his way back to Harry's neck and licked the shell of his ear.

'Harry,' Severus said out loud Harry's name for the first time. Since New Year he wanted to call Harry by his name, wanted to know how does it feel to say it. He kissed the skin under Harry's ear and gently wrapped his fingers around Harry's hand and pulled out of his mouth. 'You don't have to be quiet, Harry,' he whispered and bit into Harry's neck making him moan out loud, and Severus sighed contentedly. He kept biting and sucking; he knew Harry would have love bites all over his body, but Severus wanted to everybody to know Harry was his.

They began to kiss, and as much as Severus wanted to hold himself back, he couldn't wait any longer and slowly pushed himself into Harry, made him moan and shiver, but he wasn't the only one. Severus also started to trembling and gasping for air.

Harry was tight, how could not be, it was his first time, but how his body welcomed Severus was amazing. He was soft. Softer than any silk or velvet what Severus had ever touched. But he was hot too. Maybe too hot, because Severus felt like he would burn from his inside. All the sensations were too overwhelming, and Severus pulled out, but that was more terrible. Suddenly he felt lonely and alone, and the first time in his life Severus didn't enjoy the cold what washed over his body. He suddenly wanted the heat again, to feel Harry's warm body and the way how it wrapped him in. Severus thrust in again, perhaps a bit too fast and too violently because Harry grabbed his arm, dug his nails into Severus' skin and cried out in surprise and pain.

Severus panicked. What if he was making a mistake here? The sensation of being in Harry again made him shiver more. His jaw was trembling so hard even his teeth were chattering. Severus pressed his mouth to Harry's neck to suppress the shivering because he couldn't form the words. He could feel a vein was pulsing under Harry's skin. He kissed that spot.

'Harry,' he whispered. They didn't really talk before, but they should have. They kissed for the first time only two weeks ago, and now they were doing something that needed more communications than sharing the silence and biscuits.

'Are-are you…' He pushed his mouth onto Harry's neck again, breath deep in through his nose and tried to put his body under control again. It seemed impossible. He exhaled slowly and decided not to start the question again, so he just finished it, whispering against Harry's heated skin '…al-alright?'

 _"Are you fine? Am I hurting you? Do you feel what I feel? Are you shaking too? Is your heart beating fast as mine? Can I move? Do you want this? Are you sure you want this? Do you want me? Will you hate me after this? Will you stay with me?_ " – These were just a few of the questions what were run through Severus' mind, but he couldn't say them.

Harry loosened his grip, and he lifted his also shaking hand to Severus' shoulder and tried to push him up to look into his eyes. When Severus lifted his head, Harry tucked a lock of hair behind Severus' ear and pulled him down for a kiss.

Harry's lips were moving tenderly, nipping, massaging and silently asking for an entrance. Severus opened his mouth and sighed when their tongues touched again. Harry took over the control of the kiss, guided Severus into a slow, hypnotic dance. Then Harry rolled his hips a bit. The shakiness came back immediately and ran down on Severus' spine. He began to move slowly only just an inch at a time, and at the same pace as Harry kissed.

Soon they had found their rhythm, and they were rocking like the waves of the Lake were moving them. Severus knew he didn't need to breathe as often as Harry, but he pulled away when Harry started to panting. Severus touched their forehead together and didn't take off his eyes of Harry's. It was darker, filled with lust, desire and they shone like the stars.

Severus felt whenever Harry breathed in he pulled out the anxiety of Severus and with every exhale he filled him with peacefulness what he had never felt before. And Severus knew, nothing else would make him feel like this again. No darkness and coldness or silence would make him feel like this. They would calm him down when he would need it, but Severus was sure from that point it would not be enough anymore to be whole again. He would need Harry. He would need to hear his panting and soft moans, hold him in his arms, feel his skin and kiss those perfect lips.

'Severus.'

Nobody had ever said his name like this before; filled with love, passion, and kindness. Hearing his name like this almost made Severus came immediately and he needed to stop to prevent that.

'It feels so good,' whispered Harry shyly. His lips were swollen from the kissing, and they were shining from their salvia. Severus felt the relief; Harry was enjoying this.

'Can I move faster?'

Panic and hesitation appeared in the green eyes, but Severus put his hand on Harry's cheek and caressed it. 'I'll be gentle,' he promised.

Harry kissed into Severus' palm and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear then lock their fingers together, 'Will you hold my hand?'

'Always.'

During kissing Severus made Harry wrap his legs around Severus' waist and he continued to move, increasing the speed slowly. He pushed both of Harry's hands above his head and held them strongly.

The feeling was indescribable. It was like running on a flowery meadow on a spring day and being young, wild and free. But it also felt like arriving home from a long trip, finding peace, feeling safe, unbroken and whole again. It was like burning alive with every thrust, turning into ashes and re-born again with every moan. It was like kissed by Heaven. It was a perfect peace, what Severus never felt before and as he rhythmically rocked their body together, he realised this was what he was looking for in all his life.

'Sev-Sever's… I can't… can't take… take it… anymore...' Harry moaned out loudly, and Severus smirked. He found it. Harry's little sweet spot. He began to move faster, and all he could hear was Harry's chanting:  _moremoremore_ **.**

It didn't take too long for Harry to began to shake and reaching his orgasm, and it only took a few more thrusts from Severus to follow him to the ecstasy.

Coming back from his high Severus only got enough energy to move his body and not to collapse fully on Harry. He reached out for his wand, what was under his pillow, and cast a clean spell to both of them. Harry let out a surprised sound and Severus mumbled sorry into Harry's neck, and with another wand movement, the silk blanket covered them.

A moment later both of them fell into a peaceful sleep.

~*~

Severus turned on his back in his bed. He liked to lie in bed balancing on the edge of the sleep and wakefulness. But Severus was awake now, and he slowly opened his eyes.

His room, what usually was dim and dark, now was swimming in bright lights. It seemed, at last, The Daily Prophet was right, the wind had finally arrived and chased away the clouds. He knew the Castle and its territory was swimming in bright sunlight just like his room because it also seemed he forgot to close his curtain at the evening. Severus never knew his room could look like this.

The light came through the lake and his window and covered everything in fairy-like colours. The soft light was waving like how the water was moving in the Lake. It was like he was still balancing between dreams and awake. Then Severus turned his head.

An angel-like creature with incredible messy hair and half-open mouth was softly breathing next to his pillow. Severus touched Harry's forehead with his index finger and slowly moved down to his nose then back again. Harry smiled but didn't open his eyes. Severus tickled Harry's nose, and it made Harry open his eyes finally. Severus could see how his eyes tried to focus on Severus without his glasses.

'Good morning,' Severus whispered.

Harry blinked a few times, still trying to focus then he smiled again, 'Good morning.'

'Did you sleep well?'

Harry moved closer to Severus, nestle into his arms. He kissed Severus' chest and nodded. Then Harry noticed the play of the lights in Severus' bedroom and turned on his back in amazement. Severus gave his glasses to him from the nightstand.

They were sharing the silent again, but now Severus' arms wrapped around Harry's chest while Harry was playing with his fingers.

'Oh, look!'

Severus followed Harry's hand what was pointing to his window and he gasped. (Literally gasped). In front of his window around twenty fishes were swimming together. The light was reflecting on their silver body, and they were shining like if they were wearing armours. Then one little fish left the group and looked into Severus' bedroom. It was watching them curiously, swimming up and down, then another fish left the group too, and began to push the little fish back to the others. Severus was watching the whole scene with an open mouth. He never saw fishes before here. The fish group swam away, but a moment later the little fish was at the window again. Harry chuckled. Severus felt the muscles around his mouth moved in that unusual way like that time when he kissed Harry. The big fish arrived again, Severus assumed it was the little fish's mother, and she began to push her offspring after the group, but it seemed like the little fish wanted to stay there and watched them.

Harry laughed, and Severus finally realised that he was smiling too. It was truly shocking for him. He didn't remember when was the last time he smiled and when it happened he felt it weird.

'Severus?'

'Yes, Harry?'

Harry looked up at him, he was smiling softly, 'I'm happy now.'

Severus looked around. His room was shining in bright light colours; there was a fish family drama at his window and a very naked smiling Harry in his arms. He had never felt better.

'I'm happy too, Harry.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it's The End.  
> This last chapter is twice as long as the previous one. I hope it's not too boring and I could keep the atmosphere of the story. Oh my, I'm so not comfortable with writing about sex yet. I was literally blushing while I was writing that. *.*  
> Epilogue? I have a little idea for a one chapter epilogue, but I'm not sure about that.  
> Thank you for your comments and kudos again, it helped me a lot :) :*

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!  
> A new story from me. It will be 3 chapters and maybe and an epilogue. (I haven't decided yet)  
> I try to upload the rest very soon, but I'm still working on it, and I thought if I upload the first chapter it will motivate me more (or stress me out).  
> I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on this because I have no idea what I'm doing here. *hiding in the corner*  
> Oh, and the usual stuff: English isn't my native language, I don't have betas, so mistakes are mine and most likely there will be plenty. Be kind and try to ignore them. Thx. :*


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